He is an Indian living in US. The marriage proposal looked good to Neena and her family. That is, until she received a questionnaire from her prospective groom.
“It was shocking, to say the least. First, I thought of simply not responding. But, I could not help myself. This idiot, with a limited world view and no sense to at least hide it, must be shown his place,” says Neena, who responded to all the questions in detail.
The man is working as an engineer in the US. Neena says he has a history of divorce, and so does Neena.
“Apparently, his ex-wife cheated on him when they were in a long-distance relationship. So he used that trauma as an excuse to be a jerk,” Neena does not mince her words.
Here is the communication (sic) between Neena and the man that Neena shared with NRI Affairs on the condition of anonymity.
Can you pls answer these for me:
1. Will you be able to travel here for marriage with your family? If visa gets denied for any reason, we can file again. If it gets denied again, I can then plan on traveling by taking a chance.
Ans- This is a secondary question which will need to be addressed only if we reach the final stage of wedding. It seems highly unlikely that we will go that far, so I don’t feel the need to answer this as of now.
2. Even if you have to work (and that will be only within the same city), it’ll mostly be only after starting a family. You might not even get to work as there are a lot of visa constraints .. and on top I need that decision to be left upon me rather than your family’s/mom’s want for you to be working. Is that okay to you and your family? I don’t want any confusions on this at a later date.
Ans- The decision to have a career or just to support my family financially (when I say family I include my husband) will always be mine. Neither my mum nor my husband will force me for this in any way. I will always be open to suggestions and consultation and will take a decision which suits all involved. However, I have strong objection on being dictated.
Given that there are a lot of visa constraints, I feel that I should have been more vocal and concerned about this issue. If I am not allowed to work and I lose my financial independence, I should have negotiated the terms of my dependence on you. Also, after wedding if you happen to put me in a situation where I need support, financially and otherwise, I should have cleared the terms now. I was putting myself at a line of risk by being engaged with you, and I was willing to go ahead with it unconditionally. Simply because I understand that contracts are negotiated, and relationships lived. I am glad you raised this, it has given me much clarity on why you would be a wrong choice for any person with a voice and self-respect.
3. Call tappings, or any other mobile developments, I need flexibility on that as well. I should be able to run any softwares I wish to on your mobile to find what activities were deleted or things like that. I’m not saying this will happen, but I need a flexible hand on that. The way I see it, an honest person should not have any issues with that. If you wish some relatives call to not be available with me to hear, you can always freely tell me you have something important to talk with family and have a call in my presence in any other room. Is that okay?
Ans- Is it ok for you to intrude in my life and treat me as a test subject? That too with mistrust. Absolutely no. An honest person wouldn’t care if her information gets shared with her loved ones. However, an honest person will also be offended if she is treated like a convict. If you would have treated me with trust and respect, you would have earned my loyalty unconditionally. If you want a probation period in this marriage, I am not up for it. I want a normal relationship which thrives on trust and respect not a contract which sustains on surveillance.
4. With time as and when trust develops, relationship builds, everything eases out.
I don’t want to pursue it any further. I have answered these questions simply to give you my reasons for backing out. I will appreciate if you stop trying to make contact. It is becoming annoying and is turning into harassment. My parents will inform your guardians of our decision and I want you to respect that.
(Names have been changed for privacy concerns.)